I know its kind of sluty of me to say, but I’ve been thinking about it all day. I haven’t made out with anyone since july, and I really want to. Just make out. Nothing else. Well… Maybe a potential relationship, but we all know how the other ones turned out!!
So far in 2011 I have been less than happy for about 3 weeks. That was because of a boy. But not in anyway his fault. I had a crush on him last semester, and ran into him about a month ago. The moment he showed up for our first ‘date’ I knew he wasn’t it, but thought I was just being me and pushing guys away like I always do. I gave it another week or so, at first trying to keep it in limbo rather than sway one direction completely, and then I decided on going the friend route and he decided to go the other way, and I freaked. I was on the phone to my mom and my best friend crying my eyes out not knowing what to do. I knew that I needed to make things clear on where I stood, but I had no idea how to. I didn’t want to be so vain as to think that I would hurt him, but then I didn’t want to be so naive as to think that I wouldn’t hurt him. I avoided talking to him on the phone for a little bit, and delayed every text message I sent as replies. Terrible way to handle things, I think. It did, however, work. I wish I could have been a better person than I was, but now the deed is done thanks to him. He sent me a text saying he was sorry that he must have weirded me out and that he hoped we could still hang out. I had to apologize and and say he didn’t weird me out and that I just wanted to be friends. He said it was ok, and then struck up small talk for a bit. That was a HUGE relief! I was suddenly happy again, and I’ve been happy ever since.
I’m very happy, but I look back at that, and I worry a little. I’m 22 years old, and have never been in a serious relationship. At the same time, I know I haven’t met the guy I want to spend my whole life with, and why would I even consider relationships with anyone less? Yeah, there have been a handful of guys that I had hope for, but there was always something missing. All but once, I walked away feeling like maybe if I had been more talkative, or more outgoing, or even had sex with them, then maybe they wouldn’t have left me. The only one who I didn’t feel like I should have been better was the only one who I felt like I was perfect just the way I was. He yelled at my best friend, and I’m pretty sure he’s a chronic liar. I just have a way with picking the good ones.
There are girls who go out with a guy just because he asked. There are also girls who just want to be in a relationship. I’m not one of those girls. I wonder what my life would have been like if I was though. I am just not a dating/relationship kind of girl. I can’t even imagine myself in a relationship. That’s not completely true I guess.. I can. But only in a relationship by fault. I want to be inseparable with a guy. I want him to be the best friend anyone could ever wish for. I don’t want to date him, I just want to be with him. I want to be entirely overwhelmed with how deeply I love him.
"I am determined that only the deepest love will induce me into matrimony. So… I shall end an old maid." -Jane Austin "Pride and Prejudice"
Precisely how I feel.
Anyway, my point was I fear that I am so used to being alone, that I when the right guy does come along, I will close myself off and make the biggest mistake of my life. That’s the reason I have even been on dates the past year an a half. My mother worries, and it makes me worry.
I literally have nightmares about friends and random people asking me out. How crazy is that?
There are a lot more problems going around in my mind aside from this, and a great deal more detail to the one I’ve just spoken of. I just think its absolutely insane for me to be as happy as I am.
“if a person leaves their relationship for another relationship, and it works out forever- then it was meant to be! If it doesn’t work out- fuck you, people can do whatever they like! stop being so judgmental! At least they tried! mind your own fucking business and live your OWN life!”—http://imboycrazy.com/2010/11/the-blind-leading-the-blind-part-54/